If You Trust Him

If we are honest, we can admit that some part of us likes the idea of power... maybe not a lot of power; but just the right sort of power. Have you thought about how much power you have in your marriage? If you’re still reading this blog, you probably have. Sadly, I think too few of us fully realize the power and effect we have in our community. If you are one whose husband is a pastor, elder, or leader in the church, do you know that you can actually disqualify him for leadership based on your conduct?

God’s word says, in the first letter to Timothy, chapter 3:1-5, “1 This is a trustworthy saying: “If someone aspires to be an elder, he desires an honorable position.” 2 So an elder must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation. He must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must be able to teach. 3 He must not be a heavy drinker or be violent. He must be gentle, not quarrelsome, and not love money. 4 He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?” (NLT)

It's possible, I could be overstating it. We are Christ followers. We don’t bend to the pressures and expectations of our secular culture. After all, the passage is largely descriptive of what HE must be. Ladies, I believe it is part of our responsibility as faithful helpers to make it as easy as possible for him to “have a good reputation… [be] not quarrelsome…enjoy having guests in his home… not love money…”

I’ve already written some about how we affect our husbands’ reputations by our conduct. You know, if your girlfriend shows up to your house for tea and she’s recently dyed her hair a horribly unnatural color, you might wonder a bit about her taste in hair color. Gaudy jewelry and over done makeup could be examples of the same thing… how we adorn ourselves as women says something about our taste, which is really a softer way of referring to our judgment, or soundness of mind. In the same way, ask yourself… is it your intention to be the bracelet that jangles annoyingly every time your husband’s hand moves to serve? Or maybe you tend to be the too-liberally-applied cologne that distracts the attention of a listener when the words from the heart are what matters?

Is your husband in a quarrelsome mood at times? How do you handle that? Honestly, this is a weakness for me. I find that his emotionally stable nature is of such great import and foundation for me, that I am too quick to be snarly and unkind if he is not quite himself. It is my desire, and I would argue part of my orders from on High, to be kind and as easy to get along with as possible. Of course this involves a taming of my pride and subjugation of my opinions in my own mind. We need to believe that all will be well even if we are not heard on every point, or if heard we are not agreed with.

Having guests in our homes is something I have spent hours thinking, reading, and praying about over the past few months. It is absolutely vital to the spread of the gospel; but I will set it aside here to be the focus of a forthcoming entry.

Finally, we approach a great enemy of us all: money. Realizing that everyone is different, I think there are a few principles here that apply broadly. We know that godly men provide for their families. (1 Timothy 5:8) These devoted men can generally become lovers of money if we ourselves are such. That is, when a husband is convinced that his wife is unhappy, he desires to make her happy if he can. If we women believe the lie that something can make us happy, our husbands’ energies can be inappropriately turned to providing that thing for us.

Even with all these areas stirred up, I have not reached the verses that are most impactful to me. Look at verse 4 an 5: “4 He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?”

He must manage his own household. Do you think of your husband as the manager of your household? Is he the Steward, to whom all things are available, and under whose authority all things pass? You should think of him this way because he is such a steward. His vision, opinions, wishes, and plans are to be the priority of your heart and hands, even while he is accountable to God for his treatment, training, and consideration of every member of his household. Did you get that? My husband doesn’t answer to me, he answers to my Creator and he is very careful with the things that are his on loan.

Now, looking at verse 5, you see the connection between our households and our husbands’ fitness for leadership. I’m thinking about what it means if he “cannot” manage his own household. It seems to me that the only household he cannot manage is one that will not allow itself be managed. Maybe his position as Biblical head of household is new to all of you and there are mistakes he will make, as will you and I. Still, we must not be stubborn sheep who refuse to be led.

Have you ever heard a man say, “Happy wife = Happy life”? They’re joking… sort of. Or maybe he jokes that he’ll do something “… if she lets me.” This is positively backward. As Christ-followers, we know that life is not about us. We must stand firm and remember this in our marriages. If your husband, as he follows God, asks you if you are willing to do something or go somewhere, your answer must always be “yes”. May you qualify your answer? Of course! You can tell him that you have concerns about it, or you don’t really want to; but you must ultimately be willing to do whatever your man asks of you. When you refuse, he is shown to be a weak leader. You tell others by your refusal that you don’t trust his judgment, and if you don’t – why should they?

In all of this, you must understand that I do not mean that our men are not themselves accountable for their choices. On the contrary: they bear a great burden of responsibility.  As I write specifically to women whose husbands are following hard after God, I simply mean to draw our hearts to the realization that we can create – and not just create; but ourselves also become – barriers to their maturation process and qualification for leadership. 

Please realize, my sisters, that as the wife of a Christ-follower, it is your faith in God that spills over to trusting your husband ~ for better and worse. IF you truly trust God in all things, you MUST trust your husband.

Seeking Sisters

I am a bit concerned about being misunderstood.  That could be something of an understatement, my close friends will tell you.  Feeling understood is very important to me and is something I'll write about another time, I'm sure.  

As I read back over my previous entry, I find myself wondering if I communicated all that I wanted to say on the topic.  Of course I didn't and there is so much elaboration to be done, were I so inclined.  Most importantly I want clarify one of the ideas I was getting at and use it as a jumping off place for today's thoughts.

In case you thought that I meant you shouldn't have girlfriends, or that you shouldn't ever be able to talk to someone about your husband... I didn't.  Titus 2:4 very clearly indicates that we are to be learning from good examples and passing on the good we have learned: "Then they can teach the younger women to love their husbands and children."   How will we do this if we are not in relationships where we can talk about HOW to love our husbands and children?  Where we can share our weaknesses and shortcomings in this regard?  Obviously we cannot follow the teaching of Titus 2 without talking about our husbands and children; however we must be ruthlessly protective of their reputations and ours.

There are older women in our communities who obviously have much to teach us, and younger women likewise who have much to learn.  But; how can we tell who they are?  By their conduct, by their marriage relationship, and by the condition of their parenting experience.

Have you met someone whose children are a bit older than yours and although you realize she makes mistakes just like you, you also can see that her children are of high character and deference to her as their mother?  What about a woman who seems so joyful in serving her husband and you can see 'that look' on his face that tells you it is mutual?  

This is your "older woman".   She has learned some things along life's way, very possibly she's done some hard business with God; but you can see the fruit of that labor.  Seek her out.  Warm her soul with your encouragement.  Ask her what God has taught her, build a relationship.

Looking the other direction, do you see a young mother who is in over her head with the quickly expanding and strengthening will of her toddler?  Or a wife who cannot seem to say anything kind about her husband?  

This is your "younger woman."  She thinks that everyone else knows what they're doing as a wife and mommy.  She is overwhelmed by a seemingly endless list of what she "should" be and what her kids "should" do.  As with your older woman, seek this one out.  Warm her soul with your encouragement.  Share what God has taught you, build a relationship.

I am absolutely convinced that one of the things Satan wants to see happen in our communities is to push us to extremes.  We can be isolated: closed up, not allowing ourselves to be discipled and built up by members of our community or we can go so far in our "vulnerability" as to lack decorum and reverence, defaming our husbands and maligning the gospel. (Titus 2:5)

God's plan for us is to be intentional and deliberate.  We are to be living in community such that others can see us for who we are and come alongside us both to receive guidance and to give it.  Let us not be too proud to receive godly counsel or too timid to gently give it. 

Remember that we ourselves are older women and younger women in a relative sense.  Inasmuch as you have learned anything in your spiritual walk, so to have you something to pass on to another.  Likewise, that which you have yet to learn is something for you seek out in another.
 
Keeping our eyes and hearts on the One who "knows how we are formed and remembers that we are dust," we go onward, seeking to adorn the gospel each day.


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Christmas Giveaway:  
I am giving one copy of this book:  
The Family by J.R. Miller to someone who comments on this post.  Originally published in 1892, it is a chewy and inspiring read.  As I read t is calling me up to a higher standard of family life, so enter at your own risk!  Drawing will be held at random and your comment must include your email address so I can contact the winner.  (*Note: facebook comments will not be considered contest entries.)