If You Trust Him

If we are honest, we can admit that some part of us likes the idea of power... maybe not a lot of power; but just the right sort of power. Have you thought about how much power you have in your marriage? If you’re still reading this blog, you probably have. Sadly, I think too few of us fully realize the power and effect we have in our community. If you are one whose husband is a pastor, elder, or leader in the church, do you know that you can actually disqualify him for leadership based on your conduct?

God’s word says, in the first letter to Timothy, chapter 3:1-5, “1 This is a trustworthy saying: “If someone aspires to be an elder, he desires an honorable position.” 2 So an elder must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation. He must enjoy having guests in his home, and he must be able to teach. 3 He must not be a heavy drinker or be violent. He must be gentle, not quarrelsome, and not love money. 4 He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?” (NLT)

It's possible, I could be overstating it. We are Christ followers. We don’t bend to the pressures and expectations of our secular culture. After all, the passage is largely descriptive of what HE must be. Ladies, I believe it is part of our responsibility as faithful helpers to make it as easy as possible for him to “have a good reputation… [be] not quarrelsome…enjoy having guests in his home… not love money…”

I’ve already written some about how we affect our husbands’ reputations by our conduct. You know, if your girlfriend shows up to your house for tea and she’s recently dyed her hair a horribly unnatural color, you might wonder a bit about her taste in hair color. Gaudy jewelry and over done makeup could be examples of the same thing… how we adorn ourselves as women says something about our taste, which is really a softer way of referring to our judgment, or soundness of mind. In the same way, ask yourself… is it your intention to be the bracelet that jangles annoyingly every time your husband’s hand moves to serve? Or maybe you tend to be the too-liberally-applied cologne that distracts the attention of a listener when the words from the heart are what matters?

Is your husband in a quarrelsome mood at times? How do you handle that? Honestly, this is a weakness for me. I find that his emotionally stable nature is of such great import and foundation for me, that I am too quick to be snarly and unkind if he is not quite himself. It is my desire, and I would argue part of my orders from on High, to be kind and as easy to get along with as possible. Of course this involves a taming of my pride and subjugation of my opinions in my own mind. We need to believe that all will be well even if we are not heard on every point, or if heard we are not agreed with.

Having guests in our homes is something I have spent hours thinking, reading, and praying about over the past few months. It is absolutely vital to the spread of the gospel; but I will set it aside here to be the focus of a forthcoming entry.

Finally, we approach a great enemy of us all: money. Realizing that everyone is different, I think there are a few principles here that apply broadly. We know that godly men provide for their families. (1 Timothy 5:8) These devoted men can generally become lovers of money if we ourselves are such. That is, when a husband is convinced that his wife is unhappy, he desires to make her happy if he can. If we women believe the lie that something can make us happy, our husbands’ energies can be inappropriately turned to providing that thing for us.

Even with all these areas stirred up, I have not reached the verses that are most impactful to me. Look at verse 4 an 5: “4 He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?”

He must manage his own household. Do you think of your husband as the manager of your household? Is he the Steward, to whom all things are available, and under whose authority all things pass? You should think of him this way because he is such a steward. His vision, opinions, wishes, and plans are to be the priority of your heart and hands, even while he is accountable to God for his treatment, training, and consideration of every member of his household. Did you get that? My husband doesn’t answer to me, he answers to my Creator and he is very careful with the things that are his on loan.

Now, looking at verse 5, you see the connection between our households and our husbands’ fitness for leadership. I’m thinking about what it means if he “cannot” manage his own household. It seems to me that the only household he cannot manage is one that will not allow itself be managed. Maybe his position as Biblical head of household is new to all of you and there are mistakes he will make, as will you and I. Still, we must not be stubborn sheep who refuse to be led.

Have you ever heard a man say, “Happy wife = Happy life”? They’re joking… sort of. Or maybe he jokes that he’ll do something “… if she lets me.” This is positively backward. As Christ-followers, we know that life is not about us. We must stand firm and remember this in our marriages. If your husband, as he follows God, asks you if you are willing to do something or go somewhere, your answer must always be “yes”. May you qualify your answer? Of course! You can tell him that you have concerns about it, or you don’t really want to; but you must ultimately be willing to do whatever your man asks of you. When you refuse, he is shown to be a weak leader. You tell others by your refusal that you don’t trust his judgment, and if you don’t – why should they?

In all of this, you must understand that I do not mean that our men are not themselves accountable for their choices. On the contrary: they bear a great burden of responsibility.  As I write specifically to women whose husbands are following hard after God, I simply mean to draw our hearts to the realization that we can create – and not just create; but ourselves also become – barriers to their maturation process and qualification for leadership. 

Please realize, my sisters, that as the wife of a Christ-follower, it is your faith in God that spills over to trusting your husband ~ for better and worse. IF you truly trust God in all things, you MUST trust your husband.

Seeking Sisters

I am a bit concerned about being misunderstood.  That could be something of an understatement, my close friends will tell you.  Feeling understood is very important to me and is something I'll write about another time, I'm sure.  

As I read back over my previous entry, I find myself wondering if I communicated all that I wanted to say on the topic.  Of course I didn't and there is so much elaboration to be done, were I so inclined.  Most importantly I want clarify one of the ideas I was getting at and use it as a jumping off place for today's thoughts.

In case you thought that I meant you shouldn't have girlfriends, or that you shouldn't ever be able to talk to someone about your husband... I didn't.  Titus 2:4 very clearly indicates that we are to be learning from good examples and passing on the good we have learned: "Then they can teach the younger women to love their husbands and children."   How will we do this if we are not in relationships where we can talk about HOW to love our husbands and children?  Where we can share our weaknesses and shortcomings in this regard?  Obviously we cannot follow the teaching of Titus 2 without talking about our husbands and children; however we must be ruthlessly protective of their reputations and ours.

There are older women in our communities who obviously have much to teach us, and younger women likewise who have much to learn.  But; how can we tell who they are?  By their conduct, by their marriage relationship, and by the condition of their parenting experience.

Have you met someone whose children are a bit older than yours and although you realize she makes mistakes just like you, you also can see that her children are of high character and deference to her as their mother?  What about a woman who seems so joyful in serving her husband and you can see 'that look' on his face that tells you it is mutual?  

This is your "older woman".   She has learned some things along life's way, very possibly she's done some hard business with God; but you can see the fruit of that labor.  Seek her out.  Warm her soul with your encouragement.  Ask her what God has taught her, build a relationship.

Looking the other direction, do you see a young mother who is in over her head with the quickly expanding and strengthening will of her toddler?  Or a wife who cannot seem to say anything kind about her husband?  

This is your "younger woman."  She thinks that everyone else knows what they're doing as a wife and mommy.  She is overwhelmed by a seemingly endless list of what she "should" be and what her kids "should" do.  As with your older woman, seek this one out.  Warm her soul with your encouragement.  Share what God has taught you, build a relationship.

I am absolutely convinced that one of the things Satan wants to see happen in our communities is to push us to extremes.  We can be isolated: closed up, not allowing ourselves to be discipled and built up by members of our community or we can go so far in our "vulnerability" as to lack decorum and reverence, defaming our husbands and maligning the gospel. (Titus 2:5)

God's plan for us is to be intentional and deliberate.  We are to be living in community such that others can see us for who we are and come alongside us both to receive guidance and to give it.  Let us not be too proud to receive godly counsel or too timid to gently give it. 

Remember that we ourselves are older women and younger women in a relative sense.  Inasmuch as you have learned anything in your spiritual walk, so to have you something to pass on to another.  Likewise, that which you have yet to learn is something for you seek out in another.
 
Keeping our eyes and hearts on the One who "knows how we are formed and remembers that we are dust," we go onward, seeking to adorn the gospel each day.


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Christmas Giveaway:  
I am giving one copy of this book:  
The Family by J.R. Miller to someone who comments on this post.  Originally published in 1892, it is a chewy and inspiring read.  As I read t is calling me up to a higher standard of family life, so enter at your own risk!  Drawing will be held at random and your comment must include your email address so I can contact the winner.  (*Note: facebook comments will not be considered contest entries.)

Conduct (Un?)Becoming

So, I’ve been thinking about this matter of conduct for quite a while.  The first thing that comes to mind for me is my mouth.  I realize that there is a certain irony to my waxing eloquent about words, so I trust you to read with grace and know that I tread lightly.

My mother probably spent most of my growing up years praying for my mouth.  It’s not that I was a “potty-mouth” at all ~ well, except for that one time in 3^rd grade when I tried out a word I’d heard on the bus home from public school ~ yikes!  No, Mom would have been praying for impulse control as relates to my mouth, my words, and my speech. 

Not too many years ago I read Psalm 141:3  - “Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” - and I realized that this was a prayer I could not utter to often.  What I am also finding as time goes by is that God seems pleased to honor this request.  I am more thoughtful than I was, less concerned about being heard, and firmly convinced that God doesn’t need me to speak on His behalf.   I am also more aware of the impact of my words.  If people are listening, as we all hope they do when we speak, what do my words, timing, tone of voice, and turn of phrase say about me?

Let’s think about this as relates to our conduct as women.  How free are we with our words?  Particularly when we are "with the girls"... is it considered acceptable to say or do things when our men are not around that we would never say in their presence? Is this a matter of seemingly harmless mice playing while the cat is away?  Think it through… is it harmless, really?

Imagine that I tell you a ‘funny story’ about how my husband (brother, father, son) was working at a task; but it didn’t go as planned.  Maybe he wasn’t as prepared as he ought to have been.  Or maybe something changed midway through and things went awry.  Maybe his attitude was prideful, stubborn, or otherwise unattractive.  These days it would make a great situation comedy or commercial to embellish this story and deliver it with great attention to the errors that make it sound funny.   My girlfriends might all laugh knowingly and feel like I’d let them in on something… they might also think a bit less of the person about whom I spoke.

Another common behavior I see in women is one that I have fought to put down in my own life.  When we are in conversation and for example someone mistakes Tuesday for Friday in their telling of an event.  I have been quick to interrupt and correct the error; but to what end?  Did it change the substance of the conversation to have it properly seated on Friday?  Maybe what I actually added to the conversation was the notion that I remembered properly while the speaker (my husband?) did not.  In this very subtle and oft-overlooked way I have shown him to be ill-adorned.

As I look around me, the most beautiful women I know are generally slow to speak.  There is a soft strength in their countenance that lends a certain magnetism to their personality.  I find myself often wanting to know what they think about life, marriage, God, womanhood, and more.  If I am blessed with a chance to talk to them, I find that there is such richness in their wise and distilled speech that I come away with more than I expected and I am changed…polished…beautified.

Let us reflect, ladies.  Keep praying with me for the Holy Spirit to be a filter on our speech.  Remember also “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.  Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.   
Proverbs 16:23-24

The Center of Attention

We've been married almost 16 years, that Boy and I.  One of the best things about our relationship is not that he thinks I'm beautiful, or that he makes the coffee in the morning, or even that we're best friends. One of the things I like best is that we both sort of harbor a suspicion in the back of our minds that we got the better end of this deal.  I'm pretty sure I "married UP" and I think he feels it may be the other way around.  

It's not unreasonable to assume that we are a well-matched pair; but here's the thing - I have a LOT of control over that perception.  Have you ever thought about how much your conduct affects your husband?  Not just in regards to how you relate to him; but what about in situations that have nothing to do with him? 

While it may be especially true for ministry wives, I hold a firm conviction that it's true for EVERY wife.  Your behavior, your speech, your attitude... every aspect of your conduct is a reflection on your husband.  Does he have good taste?  Does he encourage you to feel secure in your position?  Is he a strong spiritual leader?  Does he expect God’s best for you? Does he expect your best for God?

This is hard stuff, ladies.  In my mind there are days when it feels like a heavy burden to be thought-full and deliberate with my choices.  In my weakness and selfish pride, I feel like I’d really just like a day off from striving toward Godly womanhood. 

As I’ve thought about it, though, I believe that in reality this “burden” is like a royal mantle.  It is beautiful and extravagantly becoming to the wearer.  It is also heavy and somewhat inconvenient.  I move differently with it on, and I am careful in my activity so as not to soil this precious robe.  Sometimes I would just as soon cast it aside and be free… but then I remember that I was chosen for this honor, and I am thankful again.

I recently received a card from a young woman in our church.  She wrote, “This morning I was watching you from the choir.  You held Pastor’s Bible for him so it wouldn’t fall, and you held his hand during your song.  You look for all the little things you can do to help him and others and I just wanted you to know that God sees those things…” Here’s what struck me – I guess I know God can see those things; but I need to remember that people are watching too.  I wasn’t on stage in those moments, no one else was aware of me.  Her card greatly impacted me with this truth:  Even when I’m not the center of attention; I may be at the center of someone’s attention.

In the days ahead, I have an idea to write about specific areas of life where this conduct principle applies… are you interested?  I want you to be edified and not bored.  Pray with me, that God will spark His notions in my head and his words through my keyboard.

An Introduction...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived in the country.  They called her girlie because she was the youngest of four girls and her name could not be kept straight in the mind of a dedicated; but busy mom.  Girlie’s dad worked a lot, it seemed.  Sometimes on Saturday morning she got to go to the shop with him and play around in the stacks of tires before they went home to do the outside chores.  She was, as they said, “Her father’s only boy” and she liked it that way.

She was a sweet girl, if a bit strong willed.  She had a sparkle in her blue eyes that said she was likely to speak quicker than her brain could think; but she was loved.  Her parents were devoted to her and her sisters.  They were also devoted to the church they went to every time the doors were open.  Girlie learned to sing with her sisters when she was just big enough to stand next to the piano, with her eyes fixed on her Daddy ushering in the back of the room.

Girlie was a dreamer… most free moments were spent with bare feet inside her cowboy boots, on the back of her horse.  On horseback alone or with a sister, she was anything she could imagine – a messenger for the confederates during the civil war, a heroine of the wild west chasing cattle rustlers, or a genteel lady on an errand of mercy.

When Girlie was six years old, she went to Bible Camp for the first time and she was scared!  Girlie practiced her courage and bravery to spend that one night away from home because her best friend was going to be there too… everything is better with a trusted friend.  As expected, Girlie LOVED being at Camp and her parents were generous enough to send her back every summer.

When she was eight years old, Girlie went with her family to a revival meeting at the church.  The man who came to speak was loud and a little bit scary!  Still, he preached truth and since Girlie was definitely afraid of going to hell, and sure she wanted to do the right thing, she prayed after that service and gave her heart to Jesus.

Girlie grew like a weed, dreamed big, and felt ready to handle anything.  She was stubborn and unconcerned with the opinions of others.  Like the boys at school who told her that her cowboy boots looked stupid and she said she thought maybe they weren’t looking closely enough.  Did they want an up close encounter with her boots? (and her attitude! Oh, my!)

One summer, Girlie was at camp and she noticed a boy.  He was an older boy, and he was smart!  He was handsome and well known, and seemed very much in charge.  As girls who are 12 years old will so easily do, Girlie quickly developed a huge crush on the Boy.  The only problem with the situation is that Boy didn’t see Girlie.  He was the sort to be at Camp all summer, and she had just 6 days to make a lasting impression on him.  In her 12^th year, it was too early and God did not bring Girlie to Boy’s attention.

Girlie was, unfortunately, a bit too interested in boys as a teenager, and although her heart was drawn to this Boy each summer when they crossed paths, she was fickle and her crushing heart too easily – though briefly – alighted on other boys as her world got bigger.

When Girlie was 13, her world was torn, when her parents divorced.  Later in life, Girlie would look back with great understanding for both of her hurting parents; but as a teenager all she wanted to know was if it had been her fault?  Did she fight with her sister too much?  Did she fight with her mom too much?  Was she not helpful enough around the house? 

Over the next few years, there were hours spent asking deep questions of life that were brought to mind earlier than might usually be the case… Did marriages really fall apart?  Did she really even WANT to know the full truth of the situation?  Where was God when her heart was breaking?  

When Girlie was 16, she worked at a restaurant in town.  She loved taking care of her regular customers and the adrenaline rush of the dinner hour. That year, Girlie went to camp for just one weekend.  To her great joy the Boy was there and this time, he knew who she was.

The boy was reading deeply thoughtful and complicated books and Girlie liked to read out loud to him, even though she was confused most of the time.  The Boy was at camp all summer that year, and it seemed they shared a mutual interest in one another; but the weekend came to an end. Girlie went back to her life and the Boy went back to his life, and time moved on.

One year later, God graciously arranged circumstances such that Girlie and the Boy were at camp together.  There were water fights, early morning devotions, cabin contests, and great affection.  By the end of that summer, they were in love and Girlie was sure she would follow this Boy wherever God took them.

Somewhere along the way, Girlie became a grown up.  It snuck up on her in a way many of us can relate to.  Girlie married her beloved Boy and became the Mama to three babies. God loved Girlie more than she knew, and through the years He patiently led her into sweet relationship with Him.

Girlie’s life was not easy, and it was not safe; but it was so very good.  God was faithful and relentless in His desire to make the Girlie like Himself.   God had answers to all those hard questions Girlie asked as a young lady, and answers to the hard questions that would come up as she lived closer and closer to heaven…

What good thing was God teaching her through suffering?  Would she see her children grow?  Would she ever wrestle that one particular sin to the ground?  Would she be the sort of wife God had intended to give to the Boy?  Would she do more harm than good in parenting the babies?  How firmly did she believe in the resurrection power of Jesus as shouted to her all those years ago in a revival hall?  Was she prepared to obey God even if it broke her heart?

Girlie wasn’t always just “girlie”.  She was a bondservant of Christ.  She was wife, mother, missionary, cancer fighter, friend, singer, sister, auntie, and worshiper.   Over time, God shaped, pruned, and polished Girlie’s rough edges until everyone could see the woman He created and whom He knew was there all along.   

Girlie grew old with her Boy and they served their Beautiful Savior with every drop of their strength until He said it was time for them to come home.  

Obviously I'm the Girlie and he's the Boy.  And of course there is so much more that could be written to fill this story in, and maybe some day I'll get to it.

The Boy is a pastor now, living a sold-out, poured-out life of faith.  I am still his girl, and that makes me a pastor's wife.  I have alot of thoughts about what that means.  I'm learning alot and seeing alot and thinking alot.  

A friend recently described this process as having been given " a new size of shoe"...  and she suggested that I write about it.  I think I will give it a try.