Opinions and Convictions

There was a time when all of my opinions were instant conviction... white-hot and non-negotiable, they were quickly drawn and fiercely defended.  Over time I have learned to consider even my own opinions lightly until God, through His word and His people, would harden them into gems of conviction.   I have learned that sometimes big things in my own heart don't have any particular significance in the world around me and so I hold them more loosely than I once did. 

This is an issue that has me tongue-tied these days.  I believe that as his wife, I can be considered an agent of my husband.  That is to say that insofar as I am known to be a godly woman, living in submission to and agreement with her husband, there ought not be much difference between my convictions and his.  This is true in our case with one caveat:  I am more emotionally expressive and passionate than he, so I can be more opinionated and less tempered in my expression than he is.

The reason this matters to me is that as a ministry wife, it is conceivable for a misunderstanding or sense of judgment from me to be equivocated into misunderstanding and judgment from my husband.  This is true for women in general; but I submit that there is more potential for harm or good from a ministry wife.  This goes back to some of my early posts about the effect of my conduct on his stature and reputation in our community and it is the "new voice" at the end of last week's post. 

Here's where it gets difficult.  Based on what I know to be true about non-verbal communication and the power of my wordless testimony, must I temper the outward manifestation of my inner convictions for the good of my community?  Or is that just a bejumbled mess of lies to keep me from living with integrity?  How can I authentically live out my convictions without standing in judgment over the people around me?
 

It is scary to consider being perfectly open and frank about some of my convictions, for I know and love many who do not share them.  Still, I must live them out with grace and love.  

James 4:17     ^"So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."

That's what it all comes down to, right?  If the Holy Spirit has wrought a conviction in my heart, then it is sinful for me to ignore it with my choices. I long to live a life that is marked by grace and security.  Grace for diverging convictions and security in my position before the Master.  

Romans 14:4 "Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand."

My desire is to foster a community that is full of faith and integrity; overflowing with love such that our convictions about disputable matters need not agree in order for us to be found in relationships of mutual understanding.  I wish to not be judged for a difference in convictions, and I intend never to wound another in that way.  

Even so, I wrestle with the knowledge that in our culture, the very presence of any conviction can be considered judgment. (click here for a sermon on properly understanding judgment.)  See how Satan does that?  My personal exercise of discerning judgment in a particular matter can be twisted into pejorative judgment of others.    

Jesus, help us!  May we be women who are mindful of the power of our convictions as found in words and deeds.  May we live with hearts wide open to the variegated nature of God's family, and may we be marked by love for God, His Church, and one another.  

 

 

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Ironic

I love Facebook... really, I do.  I confess it's open on my iMac most of the time and I love seeing what others are up to as I go about my day.  I'm sure any efficiency ratings of mine are lowered by my attachment to said community; but I can live with that for now.  The important things are getting done... husband is honored, children are educated, kitchen is busy, house is functionally clean.

What fascinates me is what facebook tells us about one another.  In some cases we know almost nothing about a person besides what they ate for dinner or what's on sale this week.  In other cases we share far too much if we're not careful.  Here's what I mean...

Most often, my FB status consists of what's cooking, a quote from my current nightstand books, links or lyrics to a great song, or other random inputs that are meant to inform and edify.  What happens on a bad day, though?  If I'm struggling in some way, it is tempting to post a status like:

"I hope this doesn't kill me."

or

"I hate it when people act like that." 

or

"Why do I never learn?"

or some other version of ambiguous thought and cryptic emotion.

 Proverbs 29:11 ~  A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

It can be easy to find ourselves in a state of unhappiness or internal uneasiness that we don't quite know how to sort out.  When that happens, one of my besetting temptations used to be in seeking out a sister who would listen to whatever I had on my mind and commiserate with me.  This was comforting, it was validating, and it rarely challenged me to see the situation from another perspective.   That's a problem.  I spent most of my life in this habit, where I have called out to a girlfriend before I called out to the Lord.   I got off the phone feeling better and forgot to take my troubles to the only One who can really change anything.

And isn't that what I'm really looking for if I throw conversational bait, and hope someone will come to my rescue?  Someone to remove whatever burr has worked its way under my saddle?  This is my issue with facebook and its oh-so-slick-and-easy way to splatter feelings on the people around me with a few quick strokes of a keyboard.  

It is as if the status update box said not "what's on your mind?" but rather, "how will you attract attention today?"   For we all know if my status update says, "I hate it when people act that way"  the subtly hoped-for comment is something like, "aw, honey... what happened?", which is a perfectly appropriate response to a hurting friend in the context of a personal conversation in a safe and warm setting; but NOT in the context of a public bulletin board.

So, what gives?  Am I a facebook junkie or not?  Yes, admittedly I am hooked.  The fact is, I genuinely want to be known; however, I am also convinced that Facebook, Twitter, and email are not the place to really know and be known.

I'd like to think that everyone of my 649 facebook friends cares about the inner-workings of my soul.  But they don't.  They can't.  My Risen Savior cares.  My husband cares.  A handful of kindred-sisters care.  Sometimes even all of those aren't enough to assuage the spirit of unrest in me, and those days are best spent with a journal and loud worship music to recalibrate my heart until I can be a blessing to the large community again.

Psalm 141:3 ~ Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.

  

You see my struggle here, don't you?  It turns out to be quite a thing to be deliberate in all I do... I find myself asking if there is not really any room for frivolity and hilarity and fun.  Friends and family may find it laughable that I'm even thinking about this as I am quite prone to gaiety and banter. It is not that I have turned somber and serious in all things.  No, my striving is for a well-tethered godliness.  I want to be wholesomely good company and intentional so as not to regret words that tumble out before my conscience catches them.  I must never be found flippant or manipulative in my speech.

Matthew 12:36 ~ But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.

And so the quandary deepens...  Oh, if you knew how I wrestle with this!  As a Pastor's wife who is naturally inclined to extremes, this middle ground is a hard-to-ride horse.  If I post, write, or speak with the passion that is behind my convictions I may be accused of using my position as a "bully-pulpit" whereby I mete out judgment on disputable matters. 

On the other hand, if I DON'T openly share the passion of my convictions, then I have been muzzled by the fear of misunderstanding, which backfires because I can seem aloof and uninterested in the precious people around me, though I love them dearly and am buoyed by these connections.

Much time is spent in thought, prayer, and conversation about this as I wade through the thick irony of sharing these issues in this context while I wonder where I fit now and how to use this new voice of mine.

Romans 15:5-7 ~   May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

what needs saying

I really like to play cards.  I didn't know how 20 years ago; but Kevin has taught me several good games throughout the years.  Our favorite game of all is Spades.  It is a dynamic game with much strategy, beside which all other card games pale in their "luck-of-the-deal" way of winning or losing.  Spades is a partner game... you sit across the table from your partner and communicate with your bid and through the cards that you play - or don't play.  The thing is, it's supposed to be a very quiet game: table talk is strictly disallowed.  

As a new card player this was very hard for me.  How could I know what to do without asking my partner?  How can I make sure he knows the strength of my hand?  As I stumbled up this learning curve, Kevin came up with a helpful rule of thumb as to where the conversational boundaries are: If it doesn't need saying, you don't need to say it.  If it DOES need saying, you can't say it.  Read it again, it can take a minute to make sense.

Is this rule from the card table transferable into our church cultures?  I feel it sometimes.  If something doesn't need saying, then only my personal motivations of pride and hubris are at play, in which case I certainly needn't say it.  If something does need saying, I am often convinced that in fact I can't say it.  Often it is not my place to say anything, or I lack the relationship that could bear the weight of saying hard things.  Indeed much grace is required and the risk of being misunderstood is great.

In these weeks of blogospheric silence, I have spent alot of time thinking about why I blog at all, and what bears saying out here.  Because of the sincere depth of my convictions from the previous post, I have been feeling like I sort of wrote myself off the platform, as it were.  What can I say that really needs saying?  Aren't I really 'preaching to the choir' most of the time?  Hmmmm.

Tonight I am really just full of questions... what if my ideas are unpopular or irrelevant?  What if I feel passionately about things that other women don't really care about?  In the end, am I really just writing to make myself heard? That's an ugly thing... to MAKE myself heard.  I far prefer the quiet beauty of speaking with my life and not my words; but I don't know how best to do that in a large setting.  For now I will marinate in the prayer from a beloved Sara Groves song:

Why do I pray - do I pray to say I prayed an hour?  Why do I love - do I want you beholden to me?  Why do I help - do I want to hear my name called out?  Why do I sing? Chorus:  Search me and know my heart, oh God.  See if there is any wrong thing in me.  All I have ever really wanted are clean hands and a pure heart.