I am disfigured

"For several years MuchAfraid had been in the service of the Chief Shepherd...she loved her work and desired intensely to please Him; but happy as she was in most ways, she was conscious of several things which hindered her in her work and caused her much secret distress and shame. 

In the first place she was a cripple, with feet so crooked that they often caused her to limp and stumble as she went about her work. She had also the very unsightly blemish of a crooked mouth which greatly disfigured both expression and speech and was sadly conscious that these ugly blemishes must be a cause of astonishment and offense to many who knew that she was in the service of the great Shepherd."

~Hinds' Feet on High Places

This book is at once my undoing and blessed comfort.  I am so like MuchAfraid.  I walk with crooked feet, on which it's hard to keep my balance and very slow going on the way.  On these feet I stumble and find myself facing another direction from where I was going.  Do I re-orient myself and face the right way again? Or do I, in my haste for progress, get up and hurry away in this wrong-but-now-perceived-as-right direction?  Crooked feet may be a position of attitude that contradicts a conviction of the heart.  I do, like MuchAfraid, long to please the Shepherd; but the crookedness of my attitude can be a self-inflicted impediment to my obedience.  Our feet were made so we can walk faithfully, go obediently, and serve humbly.  Have we made them more crooked, worsening our limp by having an attitude of selfishness, laziness, or fear? Are they even further bent by unbelief?

MuchAfraid also has a blemish that "greatly disfigured both expression and speech."  Her crooked mouth has ruined her expression.  She is dedicated and authentically joyful in serving the Shepherd; but her crooked mouth is such that others may not see her joy and dedication.  This mouth has her struggling to speak with clarity about her relationship with the Shepherd and her pleasure in serving Him.

I think this crooked mouth is an issue of countenance - the expression I wear when I don't know if anyone can see me. Does my countenance, whether in joy or sorry, show that I trust my Shepherd? Is there a flame of conviction behind even my tears, shining out to show onlookers that I know He is good and I am content to walk on the path He has chosen for me?

When our mouths are crooked, we struggle to say what we mean to say.  Sometimes we can't help it.  We were born crooked - bent by sin and flesh.  The pertinent question is this: will we stay crooked?  Will we choose the familiarity of disfigurement over the often difficult journey toward a smooth gait and reliable lips?

I love MuchAfraid.  Immediately we see that far more than her own vanity or pride, she is saddened by her crippled feet and crooked face because she knows the gravity of her position as a representative of the Shepherd.  MuchAfraid worries that her crookedness will mar His reputation; that the sight of her disfigurement will be a barrier to those who would seek to know what the Shepherd is like? For, is He oafish and ugly? Is He slow and inefficient?

We must ask ourselves these very same questions and not only about our Chief Shepherd; but also for the 'Under-Shepherds' in our lives.  Husbands, Fathers, Brothers, Leaders... will we allow our crookedness to mar their reputations?  Or, might we stubbornly commit ourselves to walking stronger all the time, ordering our expressions of face and word so as to honor our shepherds on Earth as an act of love for our Shepherd on High? 

I believe our Beloved Shepherd is well adorned and glorified when we insist upon doing His bidding in spite of our disfigurement and in this way we are made right.  Re-figured, as it were, into His image.