I really like to play cards. I didn't know how 20 years ago; but Kevin has taught me several good games throughout the years. Our favorite game of all is Spades. It is a dynamic game with much strategy, beside which all other card games pale in their "luck-of-the-deal" way of winning or losing. Spades is a partner game... you sit across the table from your partner and communicate with your bid and through the cards that you play - or don't play. The thing is, it's supposed to be a very quiet game: table talk is strictly disallowed.
As a new card player this was very hard for me. How could I know what to do without asking my partner? How can I make sure he knows the strength of my hand? As I stumbled up this learning curve, Kevin came up with a helpful rule of thumb as to where the conversational boundaries are: If it doesn't need saying, you don't need to say it. If it DOES need saying, you can't say it. Read it again, it can take a minute to make sense.
Is this rule from the card table transferable into our church cultures? I feel it sometimes. If something doesn't need saying, then only my personal motivations of pride and hubris are at play, in which case I certainly needn't say it. If something does need saying, I am often convinced that in fact I can't say it. Often it is not my place to say anything, or I lack the relationship that could bear the weight of saying hard things. Indeed much grace is required and the risk of being misunderstood is great.
In these weeks of blogospheric silence, I have spent alot of time thinking about why I blog at all, and what bears saying out here. Because of the sincere depth of my convictions from the previous post, I have been feeling like I sort of wrote myself off the platform, as it were. What can I say that really needs saying? Aren't I really 'preaching to the choir' most of the time? Hmmmm.
Tonight I am really just full of questions... what if my ideas are unpopular or irrelevant? What if I feel passionately about things that other women don't really care about? In the end, am I really just writing to make myself heard? That's an ugly thing... to MAKE myself heard. I far prefer the quiet beauty of speaking with my life and not my words; but I don't know how best to do that in a large setting. For now I will marinate in the prayer from a beloved Sara Groves song:
Why do I pray - do I pray to say I prayed an hour? Why do I love - do I want you beholden to me? Why do I help - do I want to hear my name called out? Why do I sing? Chorus: Search me and know my heart, oh God. See if there is any wrong thing in me. All I have ever really wanted are clean hands and a pure heart. | ||
Thank you, Emma.
ReplyDeleteThese thoughts and questions are not unfamiliar to me.:)
There isn't a simple answer, I don't think. I have been so richly blessed and encouraged by the writings, blogs, poetry, music of other women (including you, my little sister!), and would love to be that sort of blessing to someone else...
For me, though, this has been a season of reining, bridling, humbling, quieting. This is good, too.
I'm learning that I am, often, *not* the the appointed sayer. You may very well be, {dear sister}. I could totally believe that!!
In any case, the Father will show you and lead you, surely, as you seek His face, His presence, His Spirit, His wisdom. He will.
I loved your card playing metaphor, and Sara song. Love you!
Dear Emma~
ReplyDeleteOh my! These very thoughts concerning prayer have been ruminating in my heart and mind over these past weeks and months. How stirring to see it so beautifully stated here. Thank you for waiting and listening, then at the right time, "playing out your hand" for us to see and have confirmed that God is asking this of us.
So we walk on, in humble quietness and wait. I too love your card analogy, but also I thought there's a whole other story there about partners. :) You do bless us so with what you write here. As you walk in obedience and listen to His voice, as you have been, you will write, or not, at His prompting, and it will be, as it has been, to His glory and our good.
Love you sissy xo
As the third sister to chime in, let me first say that I too share these thoughts, questions and sentiments. I appreciate the humility and wisdom with which you laid them out.
ReplyDeleteI am someone who struggles to speak at all, even when I NEED to, so I have my own muddling and praying to do. I so resonate with the questions about our hearts, and the "why" behind what we say, do etc.
Wow.
Thanks sister.
Love you